Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
