for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
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Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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