when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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