I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
