Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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