I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish you could order shots online.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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