Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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