Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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