When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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