i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
