He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
