How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
