did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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