why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
