I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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