My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
