Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
