Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
