Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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