finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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