I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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