I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
