Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
