i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you made out with another girl for some wings
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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