The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
