I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
