between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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