I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
