all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
