I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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