so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
