I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
