Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
