I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
