Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
