oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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