So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
