he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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