my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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