before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
