Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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