I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
