i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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