Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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