my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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