Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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