he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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