Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
