I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
