I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
