My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
