i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
