I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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