I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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