I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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